Saturday, August 20, 2016

The H.A. Citations - Olympics Edition

It has been some time since The Grandstander has bestowed a not-so-coveted H.A. Citation, but the soon to be completed Rio Olympics has given me ample opportunity to bestow these things left and right, so let's do it with an Olympic theme, shall we.  In case any readers may not know what "H.A." stands for this glance at the Citation should clear up all doubts...

(Photo courtesy of Dan Bonk Enterprises)

Okay, ready?  Here we go....

H.A. Citation Honorable Mention

This Honorable Mention goes out to Patrick Hickey, a 71 year old Irishman who is a member of that wonderful group of folks, the International Olympic Committee.  Mr. Hickey was arrested this past Wednesday at the IOC hotel in Rio and is facing , according to the Associated Press "charges of conspiracy, ticket scalping, and ambush marketing after allegations by Brazilian authorities that he was part of a plot to make $3 million by illegally selling Rio Games tickets above face value."  Upon his arrest, Hickey complained of chest pains and was taken to the hospital, but he has since been cleared, health-wise, and now stands before the bar of Brazilian justice.  

For helping to maintain the high (low?) standards of corruption, graft, and bribery that has characterized the true spirit of the IOC for lo these many years, this one's for you, Patrick!

Bronze Medal

This one goes out to Katinka Hosszu's Husband/Coach.  As the lovely and talented Hungarian swimmer was winning medal after medal in the Olympic swimming pool, the television viewers were treated to shot-after-sideline-shot of this guy behaving in a manner that would even embarrass SEC football coaches.  The guy was a complete and total jackass from the top if his top-knotted head down to his green t-shirt that he never appeared to change.  Why did NBC subject us to this guy?  By the way, his name is Shane Tusup, but who really cares?

Silver Medal

This one goes to the goalkeeper of the US Women's soccer team, Hope Solo, for her incredibly crass and unsportsmanlike comments against the Swedish team after the Swedes defeated and eliminated from the tournament the heavily favored American team.  You will recall that Solo called the Swedish team "cowards" for employing tactics that would help to neutralize the more talented USA squad, and defeat them, which they did.  That is called smart, not cowardly, play.  "The better team didn't win tonight", Solo groused.  Probably true, but that happens a lot in sports when smart coaches come up with a smart game plan that smart, albeit less talented, players can execute.  Combine this with Solo's  history of DUI incidents and domestic violence charges (with she being the perpetrator), and one can only hope that this is the last time we see Hope Solo on a big stage again, but I wouldn't worry about her.  There's always the WWE or MMA.

Gold Medal

To be honest with you, I thought that Hope Solo had the Gold Medal H.A. all sewed up, but you have to wait things out, as swimmer Ryan Lochte proved so well early in the second week of the Games.  Claiming that he and three fellow American swimmers were robbed at gunpoint by robbers impersonating Brazilian police, the story had a bit of a fishy ring to it from the start, and those suspicions have all been proven to be accurate.

So, why does Lochte secure the Gold? Well....
  1. The alleged incident occurred at 4:00 AM.  Nothing good ever happens after midnight.
  2. Lochte admitted he was drunk.  Drunk at the age of 32 while out partying with three guys ten years younger than he is.  To steal a great movie line, but "drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son."
  3. Lochte then flies out of Brazil to home leaving his three fellow partiers holding the bag and answering questions from the cops.
  4. Several days after the fact, Lochte tweets out one of those great "Athlete Apologies", no doubt written by his agent or lawyer that had all the sincerity of a, well, an entitled athlete's apology that was written by his agent.
So there you have it.  I realize that there is still one more day of competition in Rio, but I am going to risk that no one will do anything to topple these three from the H.A. Podium.

And because the race for Gold and Silver was so close between Lochte and Solo, I bestow a special citation, the first ever DRHA (Dual River Horses Asses) Citation to the USA Olympic teammates, who revitalized the term "Ugly American".

(Photo courtesy of Bill Montrose)

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